Still Here Still Struggling

So not much has changed. No matter what I say or do it never changes. I am doing grief counseling and seeing psychiatrist for depression/anxiety/sleep issues. All the tools I learned 20+ years ago are shot. I am finding that I am resorting back to behaviors of coping from before I got help. I didn't even realize it until recently.  I have asked the same questions for 5+ years....no answer could be given and then this weekend it was puked at me that in essence if the house was super clean this won't be an issue anymore. I was blown away....still choices that are made.....still can't have my whole life hinging on what others do or don't do. I just hate it.......hate the fact that he doesn't hear himself and actually believes he has no fault.......So I did what I always do I started cleaning....and I ended up doing too much and my back went out and I am still paying for it. Sunday we did our running. Went to the post office, Sam's, and Menards. Came home and I ended up cleaning up both cat litters and having to wash one out completely which pulled my back even more. So all I accomplished means nothing if all its going to do is escalate my pain........I just don't know what to do anymore. My life is a mess.....I am a mess.......I feel alone because no one else gets living with this disease.......not even sure I am being heard.