Inevitable

I know myself and even though my husband thinks he does.....he doesn't know how I react to certain things. Our intimacy issues have taken its toll on me and it seems to be a surprise to him. I have sleep apnea and we are trying to figure out the right masks and pressures. Well this one has an alarm that goes off so he was complaining that it keeps going off so I say then turn it off, big button on the top. He said anytime I reach over you to do anything you freak out.......now I don't remember any of this. So I said then when you get up, come around. He proceeds to tell me that I am worse than a Mama Bear. Again I don't remember and I don't wake up when it happens. So I ruminated on this for a couple days and realized that since our intimacy is non existent I am protecting myself. I told him a few years ago that I know myself and I know that I am not sure if I will be able to pick things back up again.  I knew that I would have a reaction and I guess this is it. I haven't shared this with him yet but it makes sense to me that this is happening. I am not sure how or if I can get past it. I know that it has to do with the fact that he doesn't even get that close to me and I have stayed away from him because trying to initiate anything makes me feel like I am forcing something and that I am assaulting him. 

So now this changes the game for me......again not equipped for this. So more of the same. So I put this out there.........

Not Equipped

I have been saying this for quite a while but this morning I am faced with this reality, staring me in the face. I do NOT know what to do anymore. Things are sliding fast and I am don't know where to turn. Back to eating one meal a day, running at least 10 miles a day, and now he is back to missing work. He is frustrated and I get it.........I am frustrated with myself, my house, and I am depressed too. I am in therapy and taking antidepressants trying to navigate my way through this. We have kids, we have a life together for almost 24 years.......over half my life I have been with the love of my life. As I type this I think of my favorite song by Patty Smyth and Don Henley "Sometime Love just ain't enough." 
    

Now, I don't want to lose you,
but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And I don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place and
I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

Now, I could never change you,
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart they can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

And there's no way home when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you where I used to be?

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.  

Reading these lyrics just solitifies my feelings. I just don't know.......in addition to all of this he is not working consistently. This job might now be what he imagined but we have to have a paycheck and he has to work. As I go to counseling and work through what I can, I have been told most of my life I am nobody and nothing. I know once I left home that wasn't the case, but since all of this its coming out in everything. I apologize all the time (spent my life doing that), I feel guilty about so many things with his eating disorder. I crave love, intimacy, and sex. For the first time in my life I had to purchase toys because I see no end in sight. Our sex life was fantastic......and even without sex, the intimacy we shared was great. I am afraid to touch him or even try to initiate anything......makes me feel like I am forcing myself on him. The last time we talked about this I was told that he has no desire for anything or anyone else. I don't know what to do or how to do it...... I know I love him, I love him very much but is it enough? Not equipped, uncharted territory. Any advice? Anyone else out there dealing with this?

Setbacks

So it's been a while again but not much changes I guess. So now my husband is only eating 1 meal a day and running at least 10 miles in an evening. His logic with only eating once a day is that since he binges through the night, he doesn't need to eat anymore. He has no idea how dangerous things were before but this is even more dangerous. I have been receiving counseling since August 2016 and she said something that really made me look at things....she said " You have a marriage without a husband." I have said that we don't have a marriage, we are 2 people raising kids together. But her words are very thought provoking. It sheds a different perspective on things. She has also asked the question why I stay.......and we have a difference of opinion but I respect what she says and I think on it. So many things that are very thought provoking and give me the reality of both sides. It's been a rough week, started last Friday. All I can do is cry......sob in most cases. I am a mess....just in our house is hard enough but then outside drama and stress really has me a mess. Everything is chaos. Nothing is right. This year I will be smoke free for 5 years....and also 5 years without intimacy. Even through losing my Dad it's been a huge struggle for him to even try to comfort me.....like he wants nothing to do with me. I continually have to ask him. Really wish I could reach others going through these struggles and have someone to talk to and support one another. This dynamic of Male Anorexia, Orthoexia is not one just everyone understands. So I put this post out there hoping to offer something to someone!  Taking it 10 seconds at a time.

So much turmoil

So things are teetering here. As the weight goes up, he keeps saying he is getting fat.....our goal 3-4 years ago was 160. I don't like how the food habits are going again. We were all together for the Christmas break and it was so nice to have him home. Unfortunately his weekend habits of eating 1 meal a day continued for the whole vacation. Just makes me sad that he punishes himself with or without food. The running has been down which I am so proud of.......unlike before where break downs were typical and these day its not a break down and he pushes himself to continue his normal snacks in the evening. Progress is happening but worried about what happens when work schedules go back to normal, the weather gets nicer..........what happens then? My kids struggle too. Our son is having such a hard time, thinking that its his fault for all of this. That him being born has some correlation. 

I wish I could talk to someone who knows.....who has been through to tell me I will be ok and what to do. But it isn't up to someone else its up to me to know. I don't know where that line is. My life is so far from the way it should be and that is my fault......I am sad......and I don't see the light. 

Still Here Still Struggling

So not much has changed. No matter what I say or do it never changes. I am doing grief counseling and seeing psychiatrist for depression/anxiety/sleep issues. All the tools I learned 20+ years ago are shot. I am finding that I am resorting back to behaviors of coping from before I got help. I didn't even realize it until recently.  I have asked the same questions for 5+ years....no answer could be given and then this weekend it was puked at me that in essence if the house was super clean this won't be an issue anymore. I was blown away....still choices that are made.....still can't have my whole life hinging on what others do or don't do. I just hate it.......hate the fact that he doesn't hear himself and actually believes he has no fault.......So I did what I always do I started cleaning....and I ended up doing too much and my back went out and I am still paying for it. Sunday we did our running. Went to the post office, Sam's, and Menards. Came home and I ended up cleaning up both cat litters and having to wash one out completely which pulled my back even more. So all I accomplished means nothing if all its going to do is escalate my pain........I just don't know what to do anymore. My life is a mess.....I am a mess.......I feel alone because no one else gets living with this disease.......not even sure I am being heard.

Been Awhile....Anorexia

It has been quite a while since I have posted. We are still struggling through this disease. The affects on our lives is quite a roller coaster. First and foremost we have had positive head way and I am grateful and proud. I lost my father to Alzheimer's Feb 19 of this year. I was always very close to him and always knew his love for me. I am not the daughter or sister people wanted but I knew no matter what I was the daughter my Daddy wanted. He could look in my eyes and know whether something was right or wrong. I could tell him anything and he would support me. Even at 41 years old I could crawl on his lap and cry. I feel so lost, not sure how to live in a world without him but I have to. So in the last 5+ years I have watched 2 of the most important men in my life deteriorate. Not long after losing my Dad I talked with my husband telling him I would not watch the man I love kill himself. I can't watch another person die. My love for him is so great and I know that even if tomorrow we separated it wouldn't change how I feel or the affect his disease has. I have asked questions for years that have no answers but they need answers. As a highly emotional person it is very hard for me to be logical and approach things calmly, but I know that if I become emotional the wall goes up. I am of the belief that IF he doesn't feel what he is doing is bad then he needs to tell me that so that I can decide how I want to handle things. I am so proud of what he has accomplished and his ability to do half marathons. I have had to separate his running from his disorder. He just ran the Summerfest Rock and Sole and did well. But after running 13.7 miles he ran again that evening over 9 miles and his food intake was 1 full meal and a power bar. 

Our marriage is broken.....he has grabbed me, he has thrown things at me, and hurt me. Our children, especially our son have been affected deeply. They come to me asking questions and I try my best to answer but I don't have them. I am almost 42 years old and not ready to give up the things that have been denied, especially intimacy. We don't have any......I am afraid to touch him. I have no one to talk to about this because I do NOT know anyone who is going thru this. I wish I could find someone to talk to. Someone who can understand truly. People try to but they can't. I don't wish this on people but truly wish someone out there going thru this would see my posts and contact me. As I have stated before there is limited info out there on Men with eating disorders....even talking to a spouse going thru this...husband or wife.....to know I am not alone. I am thankful for Barbara Kent Lawrence's books because she is one of the few people out there to write and talk about being a wife in this situation.

So that is it....not much else to say......thank you for reading this.

Awhile

So its been a while since I have posted anything up here.  Since my last post things have gotten uglier and are now hopefully on the up swing of better. I lost hope a long time ago that this would be better so I am afraid to say it out loud........can't be disappointed again. Hubby is injured again. Same injury he had last time in his foot and soft tissue. He saw the doctor who ordered therapy so we see what the therapist recommends once he is there.  He has been skipping his runs here and there, handling them MUCH better than he used to. He is taking rest days but of course he counts everything he puts in his mouth and when he sees he is over 500 calories for the day makes statements like " I am getting fat" or "I am so fat and lazy". But he contines to put in his evening snacks and that again is a good thing. Not long ago when he couldn't run it would be pure hell here. We all paid for his inability to run. With it being winter in WI running outside is not always a possibility so we have to utilize the gym which puts him out of our home for over 2 hrs.....he leaves before the kids get home from school and by the time we do what we need to he sees them for maybe 30-60 minutes. In the evening after workouts and eating he has clarity.....he knows what he is doing is WRONG and that he needs to change but its like a reset come morning.......its so frustrating........

We are 18+ months without any intimacy and this is probably the worst for me..........I feel ugly,fat, and worthless.....I won't let him walk in the room when I am changing anymore or to see me without something covering me.....we are married, we can't have children anymore, and I had a hysterectomy so there is NOTHING on my end to stop us from whenever...our children are 17, 15, and 12. We had more intimacy all over the house when they were younger.....now he keeps saying its because of all the noise at night from our older ones walking around. But I know why except it doesn't mean I don't feel like crap about myself.  I didn't get married to not have sex. I am 39 yrs old and this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.....but I love him and have made the concessions whether I want to admit that to myself or not. I can't talk to anyone about this....friends try to understand but can't. Family is too wrapped up in themselves to offer anything but looks of pity. So me and the kids are support for one another....UGH it kills me that the kids are dealing with this.......I wanted so much to keep them out of it, but they live here, and they KNOW. I stopped fighting about it so they didn't have to deal with the upset but trust me its come back at me in so many ways.

I have NEVER been afraid of my husband.  I was afraid of most other men in my life and was in an abusive relationship years ago. My husband was always kind and even when we fought I never worried about him putting his hands on me or throwing things at/toward me. I have had things land my direction since this all started. I have always said if you are going to throw something at me be prepared for it to come back at you and harder, but we have kids here and I won't show that example.  But that changed too.....and my kids saw it. I was trying to help with our son, he has aspergers and SPD, hubby took this as me trying to take over and  he came back at me pushing me thru the dining room until I was up against our cabinets....he had my arms. Our oldest tried to intervene but I was so scared he would go at her I kept going to keep his attention. He spend an hour JUSTIFYING his behavior saying that NO ONE ever defends him.......but NO ONE ever put their hands on him. I know its NOT him but now I am afraid every time he gets upset or starts banging and yelling. Of course after he ran and whatnot he had his clarity he was apologetic and whatnot but the damage had been done. He has not come near me in anger AGAIN and I walk away before things get too heated. We both try to talk to one another.....

I know he is in there.....I know I love him but this is hard.....no support. I would love to find others in this situation to talk to. I don't hear about wives with husbands who are Anorexic and have orthoexia. Hoping someone will find this blog and contact me! Really need someone who understand.