It has been a while since I have posted and I am not sure why. I think its a combination of many things including avoidance. We have a diagnosis of Malnutrition. WBC and RBC are in the toliet, Vitamin D levels in severely deficient area, and muscle injuries. Also got the spend out thousands of dollars on Bone Scan and Bone Density Scans. They showed normal so that is good but to spend all that money because of something that he is doing to himself just adds insult to injury. So we are taking vitamin D, Calcium, and Zinc. We are going to PT 2-3 times a week.
Some days are great, he comes home right after work to have dinner with us, he helps parent, and is present. Just about the time I started to believe this was going to be everyday and I didn't have to ask everyday he changes things again. So back to not knowing what is happening next. I hate the person I am becoming.....I feel like all I do is B**CH about things, I am depressed, and as an added bonus I have started having panic attacks. I lived most of my life in a state of panic but swore that as an adult I wouldn't. I spent a lot of time in therapy working on this and now in the last few months that has gone right out the door. I told my husband that I won't have them in front of our children, that is NO way for a child to live, watching their parent lose it, I know that existence and I don't want it for them. They see enough. I tell him what I need, and he compulsion to work out/exercise beats me every time. His running/exercise wins out ahead of everything and everyone. NOTHING stops him from it.
We take 3 steps forward, 5 steps back on a pretty consistant basis and I am not sure how much longer I can live like this. I want to leave, well maybe runaway from this. I am weak, I know I am. My children deserve to have a mother who is strong enough to do what is right for them, but they are stuck with me. Sunday we had a nasty exchange of words and I am heart broken. The things he says and does scare me and cause me such pain. Everytime something happens the apology comes and it is to a point that the apology means nothing because Sorry means you aren't going to do it again.
I resent having to explain to my children he isn't coming home, why he doesn't eat, why he is angry, ect. The anorexia is still controling our lives and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. No matter how much I pray and beg, the anorexia/orthorexia wins and controls our lives. Not just his but all of ours.
Can this get better? Can I stay in this long enough to see him well? Can life ever be back to normal? I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be #1.
