Inevitable

I know myself and even though my husband thinks he does.....he doesn't know how I react to certain things. Our intimacy issues have taken its toll on me and it seems to be a surprise to him. I have sleep apnea and we are trying to figure out the right masks and pressures. Well this one has an alarm that goes off so he was complaining that it keeps going off so I say then turn it off, big button on the top. He said anytime I reach over you to do anything you freak out.......now I don't remember any of this. So I said then when you get up, come around. He proceeds to tell me that I am worse than a Mama Bear. Again I don't remember and I don't wake up when it happens. So I ruminated on this for a couple days and realized that since our intimacy is non existent I am protecting myself. I told him a few years ago that I know myself and I know that I am not sure if I will be able to pick things back up again.  I knew that I would have a reaction and I guess this is it. I haven't shared this with him yet but it makes sense to me that this is happening. I am not sure how or if I can get past it. I know that it has to do with the fact that he doesn't even get that close to me and I have stayed away from him because trying to initiate anything makes me feel like I am forcing something and that I am assaulting him. 

So now this changes the game for me......again not equipped for this. So more of the same. So I put this out there.........

Not Equipped

I have been saying this for quite a while but this morning I am faced with this reality, staring me in the face. I do NOT know what to do anymore. Things are sliding fast and I am don't know where to turn. Back to eating one meal a day, running at least 10 miles a day, and now he is back to missing work. He is frustrated and I get it.........I am frustrated with myself, my house, and I am depressed too. I am in therapy and taking antidepressants trying to navigate my way through this. We have kids, we have a life together for almost 24 years.......over half my life I have been with the love of my life. As I type this I think of my favorite song by Patty Smyth and Don Henley "Sometime Love just ain't enough." 
    

Now, I don't want to lose you,
but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And I don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place and
I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

Now, I could never change you,
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart they can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

And there's no way home when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you where I used to be?

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.  

Reading these lyrics just solitifies my feelings. I just don't know.......in addition to all of this he is not working consistently. This job might now be what he imagined but we have to have a paycheck and he has to work. As I go to counseling and work through what I can, I have been told most of my life I am nobody and nothing. I know once I left home that wasn't the case, but since all of this its coming out in everything. I apologize all the time (spent my life doing that), I feel guilty about so many things with his eating disorder. I crave love, intimacy, and sex. For the first time in my life I had to purchase toys because I see no end in sight. Our sex life was fantastic......and even without sex, the intimacy we shared was great. I am afraid to touch him or even try to initiate anything......makes me feel like I am forcing myself on him. The last time we talked about this I was told that he has no desire for anything or anyone else. I don't know what to do or how to do it...... I know I love him, I love him very much but is it enough? Not equipped, uncharted territory. Any advice? Anyone else out there dealing with this?

So much turmoil

So things are teetering here. As the weight goes up, he keeps saying he is getting fat.....our goal 3-4 years ago was 160. I don't like how the food habits are going again. We were all together for the Christmas break and it was so nice to have him home. Unfortunately his weekend habits of eating 1 meal a day continued for the whole vacation. Just makes me sad that he punishes himself with or without food. The running has been down which I am so proud of.......unlike before where break downs were typical and these day its not a break down and he pushes himself to continue his normal snacks in the evening. Progress is happening but worried about what happens when work schedules go back to normal, the weather gets nicer..........what happens then? My kids struggle too. Our son is having such a hard time, thinking that its his fault for all of this. That him being born has some correlation. 

I wish I could talk to someone who knows.....who has been through to tell me I will be ok and what to do. But it isn't up to someone else its up to me to know. I don't know where that line is. My life is so far from the way it should be and that is my fault......I am sad......and I don't see the light. 

Been Awhile....Anorexia

It has been quite a while since I have posted. We are still struggling through this disease. The affects on our lives is quite a roller coaster. First and foremost we have had positive head way and I am grateful and proud. I lost my father to Alzheimer's Feb 19 of this year. I was always very close to him and always knew his love for me. I am not the daughter or sister people wanted but I knew no matter what I was the daughter my Daddy wanted. He could look in my eyes and know whether something was right or wrong. I could tell him anything and he would support me. Even at 41 years old I could crawl on his lap and cry. I feel so lost, not sure how to live in a world without him but I have to. So in the last 5+ years I have watched 2 of the most important men in my life deteriorate. Not long after losing my Dad I talked with my husband telling him I would not watch the man I love kill himself. I can't watch another person die. My love for him is so great and I know that even if tomorrow we separated it wouldn't change how I feel or the affect his disease has. I have asked questions for years that have no answers but they need answers. As a highly emotional person it is very hard for me to be logical and approach things calmly, but I know that if I become emotional the wall goes up. I am of the belief that IF he doesn't feel what he is doing is bad then he needs to tell me that so that I can decide how I want to handle things. I am so proud of what he has accomplished and his ability to do half marathons. I have had to separate his running from his disorder. He just ran the Summerfest Rock and Sole and did well. But after running 13.7 miles he ran again that evening over 9 miles and his food intake was 1 full meal and a power bar. 

Our marriage is broken.....he has grabbed me, he has thrown things at me, and hurt me. Our children, especially our son have been affected deeply. They come to me asking questions and I try my best to answer but I don't have them. I am almost 42 years old and not ready to give up the things that have been denied, especially intimacy. We don't have any......I am afraid to touch him. I have no one to talk to about this because I do NOT know anyone who is going thru this. I wish I could find someone to talk to. Someone who can understand truly. People try to but they can't. I don't wish this on people but truly wish someone out there going thru this would see my posts and contact me. As I have stated before there is limited info out there on Men with eating disorders....even talking to a spouse going thru this...husband or wife.....to know I am not alone. I am thankful for Barbara Kent Lawrence's books because she is one of the few people out there to write and talk about being a wife in this situation.

So that is it....not much else to say......thank you for reading this.

Awhile

So its been a while since I have posted anything up here.  Since my last post things have gotten uglier and are now hopefully on the up swing of better. I lost hope a long time ago that this would be better so I am afraid to say it out loud........can't be disappointed again. Hubby is injured again. Same injury he had last time in his foot and soft tissue. He saw the doctor who ordered therapy so we see what the therapist recommends once he is there.  He has been skipping his runs here and there, handling them MUCH better than he used to. He is taking rest days but of course he counts everything he puts in his mouth and when he sees he is over 500 calories for the day makes statements like " I am getting fat" or "I am so fat and lazy". But he contines to put in his evening snacks and that again is a good thing. Not long ago when he couldn't run it would be pure hell here. We all paid for his inability to run. With it being winter in WI running outside is not always a possibility so we have to utilize the gym which puts him out of our home for over 2 hrs.....he leaves before the kids get home from school and by the time we do what we need to he sees them for maybe 30-60 minutes. In the evening after workouts and eating he has clarity.....he knows what he is doing is WRONG and that he needs to change but its like a reset come morning.......its so frustrating........

We are 18+ months without any intimacy and this is probably the worst for me..........I feel ugly,fat, and worthless.....I won't let him walk in the room when I am changing anymore or to see me without something covering me.....we are married, we can't have children anymore, and I had a hysterectomy so there is NOTHING on my end to stop us from whenever...our children are 17, 15, and 12. We had more intimacy all over the house when they were younger.....now he keeps saying its because of all the noise at night from our older ones walking around. But I know why except it doesn't mean I don't feel like crap about myself.  I didn't get married to not have sex. I am 39 yrs old and this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.....but I love him and have made the concessions whether I want to admit that to myself or not. I can't talk to anyone about this....friends try to understand but can't. Family is too wrapped up in themselves to offer anything but looks of pity. So me and the kids are support for one another....UGH it kills me that the kids are dealing with this.......I wanted so much to keep them out of it, but they live here, and they KNOW. I stopped fighting about it so they didn't have to deal with the upset but trust me its come back at me in so many ways.

I have NEVER been afraid of my husband.  I was afraid of most other men in my life and was in an abusive relationship years ago. My husband was always kind and even when we fought I never worried about him putting his hands on me or throwing things at/toward me. I have had things land my direction since this all started. I have always said if you are going to throw something at me be prepared for it to come back at you and harder, but we have kids here and I won't show that example.  But that changed too.....and my kids saw it. I was trying to help with our son, he has aspergers and SPD, hubby took this as me trying to take over and  he came back at me pushing me thru the dining room until I was up against our cabinets....he had my arms. Our oldest tried to intervene but I was so scared he would go at her I kept going to keep his attention. He spend an hour JUSTIFYING his behavior saying that NO ONE ever defends him.......but NO ONE ever put their hands on him. I know its NOT him but now I am afraid every time he gets upset or starts banging and yelling. Of course after he ran and whatnot he had his clarity he was apologetic and whatnot but the damage had been done. He has not come near me in anger AGAIN and I walk away before things get too heated. We both try to talk to one another.....

I know he is in there.....I know I love him but this is hard.....no support. I would love to find others in this situation to talk to. I don't hear about wives with husbands who are Anorexic and have orthoexia. Hoping someone will find this blog and contact me! Really need someone who understand.

Can this be done?

It has been a while since I have posted and I am not sure why. I think its a combination of many things including avoidance.  We have a diagnosis of Malnutrition. WBC and RBC are in the toliet, Vitamin D levels in severely deficient area, and muscle injuries. Also got the spend out thousands of dollars on Bone Scan and Bone Density Scans. They showed normal so that is good but to spend all that money because of something that he is doing to himself just adds insult to injury.  So we are taking vitamin D, Calcium, and Zinc. We are going to PT 2-3 times a week. 

Some days are great, he comes home right after work to have dinner with us, he helps parent, and is present. Just about the time I started to believe this was going to be everyday and I didn't have to ask everyday he changes things again. So back to not knowing what is happening next.  I hate the person I am becoming.....I feel like all I do is B**CH about things, I am depressed, and as an added bonus I have started having panic attacks.  I lived most of my life in a state of panic but swore that as an adult I wouldn't. I spent a lot of time in therapy working on this and now in the last few months that has gone right out the door.  I told my husband that I won't have them in front of our children, that is NO way for a child to live, watching their parent lose it, I know that existence and I don't want it for them. They see enough.  I tell him what I need, and he compulsion to work out/exercise beats me every time. His running/exercise wins out ahead of everything and everyone.  NOTHING stops him from it. 

We take 3 steps forward, 5 steps back on a pretty consistant basis and I am not sure how much longer I can live like this. I want to leave, well maybe runaway from this. I am weak, I know I am. My children deserve to have a mother who is strong enough to do what is right for them, but they are stuck with me. Sunday we had a nasty exchange of words and I am heart broken. The things he says and does scare me and cause me such pain.  Everytime something happens the apology comes and it is to a point that the apology means nothing because Sorry means you aren't going to do it again. 

I resent having to explain to my children he isn't coming home, why he doesn't eat, why he is angry, ect.  The anorexia is still controling our lives and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. No matter how much I pray and beg, the anorexia/orthorexia wins and controls our lives. Not just his but all of ours.

Can this get better? Can I stay in this long enough to see him well? Can life ever be back to normal? I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be #1.

Selfishness and Avoiding

Selfishness seems to be an epidemic in our household.....we had always contended with it with our children in some way, shape, or form but my husband and I truly tried to be examples of selflessness. We also tried to up front and deal with issues head on, not avoid them or let them go. As we live in this world of Anorexia/Orthorexia ,selfishness and avoidance have become the norm for ALL of us, myself included.  I am always becoming an expert as avoiding issues and important things that need my attention because I am so emotionally drained from all the things going on around us. Its not right but hey, here we are. 

As I sit here and type I am disappointed in myself that I have succumbed to the selfishness and avoidance around me........that I am not being a better example for my children and my husband. I know that prior to this we all had things we were selfish about but it is truly an epidemic in our daily life.  Its almost like if I don't think about me and my needs, no one else will.  So much of our lives has had to center around my husband's exercise/running schedule and work.  With 24 hours in a day you would think there would be time to do so many things but with the schedule we HAVE to keep its ugly.........we eat dinner around 3pm, he leaves to run between 4 and 5 pm, comes back 1.5 hours later and then we go to the store or the gas station or where ever we need to.  We come home and then its time for him to eat his snack and get on the computer. Also time for our children to start winding down, getting ready for bed.  On a Saturday, sleep in until 9 or so......eat around 11am....head out to shop BY 1:30pm so that we again are home for 2pm-3pm dinner time, and then running time again...........our time to be together or do other things gets smaller and smaller.  We actually had a movie night last Sunday. For the first time in a VERY LONG time we sat down as a family and watched Hotel Transylvania. Awesome movie........my husband and I sat on the couch together rather than he on the computer, me with my nose in a book, and held hands and sat together.....such a good feeling.....the kids were sprawled out all over the living room and it was a good night........our 11 year old son wants to do it again this weekend and we are planning on it. 

Its these activities that give me hope........they give me that glimpse of the man I married, the man I know that is in there.  Our baby steps of progress are wonderful, its just hard to be patient with some things and I have to deal with that.........I have to give him space to do better, make better choices, be a better person rather than constantly point out the faults and failures.......I hate that I do it, I say things or type an email and then after I "calm" down I have no idea why I let the emotions take me...at the time it was soooo important but later, its not......I go over it in my head how I could have been more positive, more supportive, less selfish, less self absorbed. I have no idea how we are going to cure the epidemic in our home but I pray that it will happen. I want nothing more that to keep our family intact and come out the other side of this a happier, stronger family. 

A Really Cool Response

This morning I had a surprise in my email. Barbara Kent Lawrence, the author of The Hungry i: A Workbook for Partners of Men With Eating Disorder, emailed me a response to a post I left on her website: http://www.barbaralawrence.com/index.html  I had left a post thanking her for writing this workbook and what it has done for me so far in my journey.  Barbara asked me to post this comment on my blog:

Beth - thank you for mentioning my book, "The Hungry i: a workbook for partners of men with eating disorders."  It means a great deal to me that it is useful to you and your husband.  I wrote my first book, "Bitter Ice: a memoir of love, food and obsession," as a way of understanding my now former husband's struggles with eating disorders and ways my own vulnerabilities made me an enabler.  It was very painful for me to write that book because it forced me to try to understand my own behavior.  I'm sorry our struggle ended in divorce, and I respect your effort to keep your family intact.  Writing The Hungry i" helped me understand the illness itself by putting on my 'research' hat.  Perhaps most startling was realizing that eating disordered behavior gives people an endorphin high, so it becomes addictive.

I wish I had some magic dust to throw over all the men and their families who suffer from the destructive illness of eating disorders, but of course, I don't.  I do, however, believe that we must raise awareness that men and boys are vulnerable to eating disorders.  One statistic - since 1998 when "Bitter Ice" was published, and 2010 when "The Hungry i" was published, the ratio of men to women who are eating disordered in the US rose from one in 20 to one in four. Surely,  we can do more to help these men and boys.

I feel so blessed to have gotten a response back from Barbara Kent Lawrence. Gives me hope especially on days like these when I don't have much hope that we will make it through this.