Do you love me?

A question I ask pretty frequently, even before "Steve" showed up. My husband has always had something as an addiction......when we met we were both smokers........he quit almost 8 yrs ago.....after that he made the slow journey to being an alcoholic, during this time the running was starting to increase and become consistent.  After we got a handle on the drinking the running/exercise/Anorexia came on the scene.  It was a slow progression and well not one I really kept an eye on because he knew what he was doing.......he was always talking about healthy eating and portion control......then all of a sudden certain foods I made he would no longer eat stating he never really liked eating them......then his tongue started to have issues so then we couldn't other foods because they burned his tongue........but when I started to see it and bring it up it was a huge fight.....I was wrong and that was it.......I decided it wasn't fair for our kids to live like that with the fighting.........and eventually I just stopped fighting.........When my parents went through their rough patch my Dad said something that I never understood until recently..." Beth, I stopped fighting with your mom. I decided it wasn't worth the fight anymore." I found that incredibly sad and said I can't imagine that, everyone argues, its part of life.......and then it hit me with my husband........I have no fight left in me.  I still feel that way......

My husband is keeping a blog of sorts for his views of "Steve" and he has shared it with me, so I check on it every so often......I get upset usually when I read it because the things he says truly hurts me and makes me feel like what I am trying to do to help means nothing..........today's entry says: "Everyone tells me they love me, that they care about what is happening.  I don't know what the truth is about any of this." This just kills me......I tell him all the time I love him, show him I love him and he NEVER believes it. I know a lot of this stems with childhood and never feeling worthy of love but in the 19 yrs we have been together I have never walked away no matter what........It breaks me to read this kind of statement when I know I am showing love the best way I can.......I am STILL here.  I have apologized to my children many times since November that I am not strong enough to do what is probably best for them. The thing is I don't feel walking out on 19 yrs of love is the answer, we need each other.....they need their Dad and I need my husband.......Just don't know When Love just isn't enough.  One of my oldest and dearest friends is 44 yrs old and her husband 38 yrs old.....have a 12 yr old. My friend woke up one morning and her healthy, 38 yr old husband had died in his sleep.....no warning, nothing...........it truly put things in perspective that it can happen to anyone......my heart breaks for her, this was the love of her life......they were perfect for each other.  I am scared everyday I will wake up and my husband won't be breathing.....I wake up 2-3 times a night to make sure.......this was before my friend lost her husband, now its at the forefront of my mind. How do you get through that?  Her husband wasn't doing anything to make himself sick or unhealthy........my husband is playing with fire. Playing with his life and I am thankful everyday that we still have him. 

I don't really know how to break through this and help him. Its so different from the male perspective. There is a dynamic there that I can't understand but I pray to be able to. I wish I had the magic words or the instructions on how to make this better but I don't. 

In the spirit of transparency on my part, I have not shared this blog with anyone including my husband. I am not hiding it but I am not advertising it to others right now........ 

A Really Cool Response

This morning I had a surprise in my email. Barbara Kent Lawrence, the author of The Hungry i: A Workbook for Partners of Men With Eating Disorder, emailed me a response to a post I left on her website: http://www.barbaralawrence.com/index.html  I had left a post thanking her for writing this workbook and what it has done for me so far in my journey.  Barbara asked me to post this comment on my blog:

Beth - thank you for mentioning my book, "The Hungry i: a workbook for partners of men with eating disorders."  It means a great deal to me that it is useful to you and your husband.  I wrote my first book, "Bitter Ice: a memoir of love, food and obsession," as a way of understanding my now former husband's struggles with eating disorders and ways my own vulnerabilities made me an enabler.  It was very painful for me to write that book because it forced me to try to understand my own behavior.  I'm sorry our struggle ended in divorce, and I respect your effort to keep your family intact.  Writing The Hungry i" helped me understand the illness itself by putting on my 'research' hat.  Perhaps most startling was realizing that eating disordered behavior gives people an endorphin high, so it becomes addictive.

I wish I had some magic dust to throw over all the men and their families who suffer from the destructive illness of eating disorders, but of course, I don't.  I do, however, believe that we must raise awareness that men and boys are vulnerable to eating disorders.  One statistic - since 1998 when "Bitter Ice" was published, and 2010 when "The Hungry i" was published, the ratio of men to women who are eating disordered in the US rose from one in 20 to one in four. Surely,  we can do more to help these men and boys.

I feel so blessed to have gotten a response back from Barbara Kent Lawrence. Gives me hope especially on days like these when I don't have much hope that we will make it through this.