Inevitable

I know myself and even though my husband thinks he does.....he doesn't know how I react to certain things. Our intimacy issues have taken its toll on me and it seems to be a surprise to him. I have sleep apnea and we are trying to figure out the right masks and pressures. Well this one has an alarm that goes off so he was complaining that it keeps going off so I say then turn it off, big button on the top. He said anytime I reach over you to do anything you freak out.......now I don't remember any of this. So I said then when you get up, come around. He proceeds to tell me that I am worse than a Mama Bear. Again I don't remember and I don't wake up when it happens. So I ruminated on this for a couple days and realized that since our intimacy is non existent I am protecting myself. I told him a few years ago that I know myself and I know that I am not sure if I will be able to pick things back up again.  I knew that I would have a reaction and I guess this is it. I haven't shared this with him yet but it makes sense to me that this is happening. I am not sure how or if I can get past it. I know that it has to do with the fact that he doesn't even get that close to me and I have stayed away from him because trying to initiate anything makes me feel like I am forcing something and that I am assaulting him. 

So now this changes the game for me......again not equipped for this. So more of the same. So I put this out there.........