Not Equipped

I have been saying this for quite a while but this morning I am faced with this reality, staring me in the face. I do NOT know what to do anymore. Things are sliding fast and I am don't know where to turn. Back to eating one meal a day, running at least 10 miles a day, and now he is back to missing work. He is frustrated and I get it.........I am frustrated with myself, my house, and I am depressed too. I am in therapy and taking antidepressants trying to navigate my way through this. We have kids, we have a life together for almost 24 years.......over half my life I have been with the love of my life. As I type this I think of my favorite song by Patty Smyth and Don Henley "Sometime Love just ain't enough." 
    

Now, I don't want to lose you,
but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And I don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place and
I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

Now, I could never change you,
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart they can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

And there's no way home when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you where I used to be?

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.  

Reading these lyrics just solitifies my feelings. I just don't know.......in addition to all of this he is not working consistently. This job might now be what he imagined but we have to have a paycheck and he has to work. As I go to counseling and work through what I can, I have been told most of my life I am nobody and nothing. I know once I left home that wasn't the case, but since all of this its coming out in everything. I apologize all the time (spent my life doing that), I feel guilty about so many things with his eating disorder. I crave love, intimacy, and sex. For the first time in my life I had to purchase toys because I see no end in sight. Our sex life was fantastic......and even without sex, the intimacy we shared was great. I am afraid to touch him or even try to initiate anything......makes me feel like I am forcing myself on him. The last time we talked about this I was told that he has no desire for anything or anyone else. I don't know what to do or how to do it...... I know I love him, I love him very much but is it enough? Not equipped, uncharted territory. Any advice? Anyone else out there dealing with this?

Do you love me?

A question I ask pretty frequently, even before "Steve" showed up. My husband has always had something as an addiction......when we met we were both smokers........he quit almost 8 yrs ago.....after that he made the slow journey to being an alcoholic, during this time the running was starting to increase and become consistent.  After we got a handle on the drinking the running/exercise/Anorexia came on the scene.  It was a slow progression and well not one I really kept an eye on because he knew what he was doing.......he was always talking about healthy eating and portion control......then all of a sudden certain foods I made he would no longer eat stating he never really liked eating them......then his tongue started to have issues so then we couldn't other foods because they burned his tongue........but when I started to see it and bring it up it was a huge fight.....I was wrong and that was it.......I decided it wasn't fair for our kids to live like that with the fighting.........and eventually I just stopped fighting.........When my parents went through their rough patch my Dad said something that I never understood until recently..." Beth, I stopped fighting with your mom. I decided it wasn't worth the fight anymore." I found that incredibly sad and said I can't imagine that, everyone argues, its part of life.......and then it hit me with my husband........I have no fight left in me.  I still feel that way......

My husband is keeping a blog of sorts for his views of "Steve" and he has shared it with me, so I check on it every so often......I get upset usually when I read it because the things he says truly hurts me and makes me feel like what I am trying to do to help means nothing..........today's entry says: "Everyone tells me they love me, that they care about what is happening.  I don't know what the truth is about any of this." This just kills me......I tell him all the time I love him, show him I love him and he NEVER believes it. I know a lot of this stems with childhood and never feeling worthy of love but in the 19 yrs we have been together I have never walked away no matter what........It breaks me to read this kind of statement when I know I am showing love the best way I can.......I am STILL here.  I have apologized to my children many times since November that I am not strong enough to do what is probably best for them. The thing is I don't feel walking out on 19 yrs of love is the answer, we need each other.....they need their Dad and I need my husband.......Just don't know When Love just isn't enough.  One of my oldest and dearest friends is 44 yrs old and her husband 38 yrs old.....have a 12 yr old. My friend woke up one morning and her healthy, 38 yr old husband had died in his sleep.....no warning, nothing...........it truly put things in perspective that it can happen to anyone......my heart breaks for her, this was the love of her life......they were perfect for each other.  I am scared everyday I will wake up and my husband won't be breathing.....I wake up 2-3 times a night to make sure.......this was before my friend lost her husband, now its at the forefront of my mind. How do you get through that?  Her husband wasn't doing anything to make himself sick or unhealthy........my husband is playing with fire. Playing with his life and I am thankful everyday that we still have him. 

I don't really know how to break through this and help him. Its so different from the male perspective. There is a dynamic there that I can't understand but I pray to be able to. I wish I had the magic words or the instructions on how to make this better but I don't. 

In the spirit of transparency on my part, I have not shared this blog with anyone including my husband. I am not hiding it but I am not advertising it to others right now........ 

Scared

Scared........an emotion that has become part of my daily life.  Throughout my life I never felt 100% safe due to different experience I have had but once I met my husband, I always felt safe.......that peace.  But since this all started I feel anything but safe.  I am scared for him, scared of him, and scared of what will happen.


My husband is so thin that you can see every rib in his chest and every bone in his spinal column.  I can wrap my thumb and forefinger around his wrists, and his upper arms are like sticks.  He typically has a yellowish tint to his skin but now its dark spots from the top of his cheek bones and up. He fears almost all foods except the few he will eat. We go through about 18-20 lbs of baby carrots a week. Our children won't talk to him about any of this because they are afraid of his reaction so they talk to me. They tell me how this isn't their dad and ask if he is going to get better. What do you say? I tell them that he loves them and wants them to talk to him. That I believe he can get better but he has to WANT to.

I am very thankful that with this situation my husband tries hard to be transparent about everything he can. When he weighs himself, he shows me. When he puts in his calories and activity online he lets me see it or tells me what it says.  This past week he ran 117 miles in 6 days.......he is averaging 19-20 miles a DAY.  This is not acceptable.....in order to run that much he is out of the house then so his time is spent: gym, work, gym, home, store, home, and bed , to start all over again.....He is a runner and I am so proud of the running he does. He has participated in 4 half marathons and we love to be able to cheer him on.  Watching him run makes me so proud, just one more thing I am proud of him for. But we are having trouble balancing the running with the food.