So its been a while since I have posted anything up here. Since my last post things have gotten uglier and are now hopefully on the up swing of better. I lost hope a long time ago that this would be better so I am afraid to say it out loud........can't be disappointed again. Hubby is injured again. Same injury he had last time in his foot and soft tissue. He saw the doctor who ordered therapy so we see what the therapist recommends once he is there. He has been skipping his runs here and there, handling them MUCH better than he used to. He is taking rest days but of course he counts everything he puts in his mouth and when he sees he is over 500 calories for the day makes statements like " I am getting fat" or "I am so fat and lazy". But he contines to put in his evening snacks and that again is a good thing. Not long ago when he couldn't run it would be pure hell here. We all paid for his inability to run. With it being winter in WI running outside is not always a possibility so we have to utilize the gym which puts him out of our home for over 2 hrs.....he leaves before the kids get home from school and by the time we do what we need to he sees them for maybe 30-60 minutes. In the evening after workouts and eating he has clarity.....he knows what he is doing is WRONG and that he needs to change but its like a reset come morning.......its so frustrating........
We are 18+ months without any intimacy and this is probably the worst for me..........I feel ugly,fat, and worthless.....I won't let him walk in the room when I am changing anymore or to see me without something covering me.....we are married, we can't have children anymore, and I had a hysterectomy so there is NOTHING on my end to stop us from whenever...our children are 17, 15, and 12. We had more intimacy all over the house when they were younger.....now he keeps saying its because of all the noise at night from our older ones walking around. But I know why except it doesn't mean I don't feel like crap about myself. I didn't get married to not have sex. I am 39 yrs old and this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.....but I love him and have made the concessions whether I want to admit that to myself or not. I can't talk to anyone about this....friends try to understand but can't. Family is too wrapped up in themselves to offer anything but looks of pity. So me and the kids are support for one another....UGH it kills me that the kids are dealing with this.......I wanted so much to keep them out of it, but they live here, and they KNOW. I stopped fighting about it so they didn't have to deal with the upset but trust me its come back at me in so many ways.
I have NEVER been afraid of my husband. I was afraid of most other men in my life and was in an abusive relationship years ago. My husband was always kind and even when we fought I never worried about him putting his hands on me or throwing things at/toward me. I have had things land my direction since this all started. I have always said if you are going to throw something at me be prepared for it to come back at you and harder, but we have kids here and I won't show that example. But that changed too.....and my kids saw it. I was trying to help with our son, he has aspergers and SPD, hubby took this as me trying to take over and he came back at me pushing me thru the dining room until I was up against our cabinets....he had my arms. Our oldest tried to intervene but I was so scared he would go at her I kept going to keep his attention. He spend an hour JUSTIFYING his behavior saying that NO ONE ever defends him.......but NO ONE ever put their hands on him. I know its NOT him but now I am afraid every time he gets upset or starts banging and yelling. Of course after he ran and whatnot he had his clarity he was apologetic and whatnot but the damage had been done. He has not come near me in anger AGAIN and I walk away before things get too heated. We both try to talk to one another.....
I know he is in there.....I know I love him but this is hard.....no support. I would love to find others in this situation to talk to. I don't hear about wives with husbands who are Anorexic and have orthoexia. Hoping someone will find this blog and contact me! Really need someone who understand.
