Still Here Still Struggling

So not much has changed. No matter what I say or do it never changes. I am doing grief counseling and seeing psychiatrist for depression/anxiety/sleep issues. All the tools I learned 20+ years ago are shot. I am finding that I am resorting back to behaviors of coping from before I got help. I didn't even realize it until recently.  I have asked the same questions for 5+ years....no answer could be given and then this weekend it was puked at me that in essence if the house was super clean this won't be an issue anymore. I was blown away....still choices that are made.....still can't have my whole life hinging on what others do or don't do. I just hate it.......hate the fact that he doesn't hear himself and actually believes he has no fault.......So I did what I always do I started cleaning....and I ended up doing too much and my back went out and I am still paying for it. Sunday we did our running. Went to the post office, Sam's, and Menards. Came home and I ended up cleaning up both cat litters and having to wash one out completely which pulled my back even more. So all I accomplished means nothing if all its going to do is escalate my pain........I just don't know what to do anymore. My life is a mess.....I am a mess.......I feel alone because no one else gets living with this disease.......not even sure I am being heard.

Been Awhile....Anorexia

It has been quite a while since I have posted. We are still struggling through this disease. The affects on our lives is quite a roller coaster. First and foremost we have had positive head way and I am grateful and proud. I lost my father to Alzheimer's Feb 19 of this year. I was always very close to him and always knew his love for me. I am not the daughter or sister people wanted but I knew no matter what I was the daughter my Daddy wanted. He could look in my eyes and know whether something was right or wrong. I could tell him anything and he would support me. Even at 41 years old I could crawl on his lap and cry. I feel so lost, not sure how to live in a world without him but I have to. So in the last 5+ years I have watched 2 of the most important men in my life deteriorate. Not long after losing my Dad I talked with my husband telling him I would not watch the man I love kill himself. I can't watch another person die. My love for him is so great and I know that even if tomorrow we separated it wouldn't change how I feel or the affect his disease has. I have asked questions for years that have no answers but they need answers. As a highly emotional person it is very hard for me to be logical and approach things calmly, but I know that if I become emotional the wall goes up. I am of the belief that IF he doesn't feel what he is doing is bad then he needs to tell me that so that I can decide how I want to handle things. I am so proud of what he has accomplished and his ability to do half marathons. I have had to separate his running from his disorder. He just ran the Summerfest Rock and Sole and did well. But after running 13.7 miles he ran again that evening over 9 miles and his food intake was 1 full meal and a power bar. 

Our marriage is broken.....he has grabbed me, he has thrown things at me, and hurt me. Our children, especially our son have been affected deeply. They come to me asking questions and I try my best to answer but I don't have them. I am almost 42 years old and not ready to give up the things that have been denied, especially intimacy. We don't have any......I am afraid to touch him. I have no one to talk to about this because I do NOT know anyone who is going thru this. I wish I could find someone to talk to. Someone who can understand truly. People try to but they can't. I don't wish this on people but truly wish someone out there going thru this would see my posts and contact me. As I have stated before there is limited info out there on Men with eating disorders....even talking to a spouse going thru this...husband or wife.....to know I am not alone. I am thankful for Barbara Kent Lawrence's books because she is one of the few people out there to write and talk about being a wife in this situation.

So that is it....not much else to say......thank you for reading this.