Inevitable

I know myself and even though my husband thinks he does.....he doesn't know how I react to certain things. Our intimacy issues have taken its toll on me and it seems to be a surprise to him. I have sleep apnea and we are trying to figure out the right masks and pressures. Well this one has an alarm that goes off so he was complaining that it keeps going off so I say then turn it off, big button on the top. He said anytime I reach over you to do anything you freak out.......now I don't remember any of this. So I said then when you get up, come around. He proceeds to tell me that I am worse than a Mama Bear. Again I don't remember and I don't wake up when it happens. So I ruminated on this for a couple days and realized that since our intimacy is non existent I am protecting myself. I told him a few years ago that I know myself and I know that I am not sure if I will be able to pick things back up again.  I knew that I would have a reaction and I guess this is it. I haven't shared this with him yet but it makes sense to me that this is happening. I am not sure how or if I can get past it. I know that it has to do with the fact that he doesn't even get that close to me and I have stayed away from him because trying to initiate anything makes me feel like I am forcing something and that I am assaulting him. 

So now this changes the game for me......again not equipped for this. So more of the same. So I put this out there.........

Not Equipped

I have been saying this for quite a while but this morning I am faced with this reality, staring me in the face. I do NOT know what to do anymore. Things are sliding fast and I am don't know where to turn. Back to eating one meal a day, running at least 10 miles a day, and now he is back to missing work. He is frustrated and I get it.........I am frustrated with myself, my house, and I am depressed too. I am in therapy and taking antidepressants trying to navigate my way through this. We have kids, we have a life together for almost 24 years.......over half my life I have been with the love of my life. As I type this I think of my favorite song by Patty Smyth and Don Henley "Sometime Love just ain't enough." 
    

Now, I don't want to lose you,
but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And I don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place and
I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

Now, I could never change you,
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart they can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

And there's no way home when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you where I used to be?

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.  

Reading these lyrics just solitifies my feelings. I just don't know.......in addition to all of this he is not working consistently. This job might now be what he imagined but we have to have a paycheck and he has to work. As I go to counseling and work through what I can, I have been told most of my life I am nobody and nothing. I know once I left home that wasn't the case, but since all of this its coming out in everything. I apologize all the time (spent my life doing that), I feel guilty about so many things with his eating disorder. I crave love, intimacy, and sex. For the first time in my life I had to purchase toys because I see no end in sight. Our sex life was fantastic......and even without sex, the intimacy we shared was great. I am afraid to touch him or even try to initiate anything......makes me feel like I am forcing myself on him. The last time we talked about this I was told that he has no desire for anything or anyone else. I don't know what to do or how to do it...... I know I love him, I love him very much but is it enough? Not equipped, uncharted territory. Any advice? Anyone else out there dealing with this?