Inevitable

I know myself and even though my husband thinks he does.....he doesn't know how I react to certain things. Our intimacy issues have taken its toll on me and it seems to be a surprise to him. I have sleep apnea and we are trying to figure out the right masks and pressures. Well this one has an alarm that goes off so he was complaining that it keeps going off so I say then turn it off, big button on the top. He said anytime I reach over you to do anything you freak out.......now I don't remember any of this. So I said then when you get up, come around. He proceeds to tell me that I am worse than a Mama Bear. Again I don't remember and I don't wake up when it happens. So I ruminated on this for a couple days and realized that since our intimacy is non existent I am protecting myself. I told him a few years ago that I know myself and I know that I am not sure if I will be able to pick things back up again.  I knew that I would have a reaction and I guess this is it. I haven't shared this with him yet but it makes sense to me that this is happening. I am not sure how or if I can get past it. I know that it has to do with the fact that he doesn't even get that close to me and I have stayed away from him because trying to initiate anything makes me feel like I am forcing something and that I am assaulting him. 

So now this changes the game for me......again not equipped for this. So more of the same. So I put this out there.........

Not Equipped

I have been saying this for quite a while but this morning I am faced with this reality, staring me in the face. I do NOT know what to do anymore. Things are sliding fast and I am don't know where to turn. Back to eating one meal a day, running at least 10 miles a day, and now he is back to missing work. He is frustrated and I get it.........I am frustrated with myself, my house, and I am depressed too. I am in therapy and taking antidepressants trying to navigate my way through this. We have kids, we have a life together for almost 24 years.......over half my life I have been with the love of my life. As I type this I think of my favorite song by Patty Smyth and Don Henley "Sometime Love just ain't enough." 
    

Now, I don't want to lose you,
but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And I don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place and
I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

Now, I could never change you,
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart they can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

And there's no way home when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you where I used to be?

But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.  

Reading these lyrics just solitifies my feelings. I just don't know.......in addition to all of this he is not working consistently. This job might now be what he imagined but we have to have a paycheck and he has to work. As I go to counseling and work through what I can, I have been told most of my life I am nobody and nothing. I know once I left home that wasn't the case, but since all of this its coming out in everything. I apologize all the time (spent my life doing that), I feel guilty about so many things with his eating disorder. I crave love, intimacy, and sex. For the first time in my life I had to purchase toys because I see no end in sight. Our sex life was fantastic......and even without sex, the intimacy we shared was great. I am afraid to touch him or even try to initiate anything......makes me feel like I am forcing myself on him. The last time we talked about this I was told that he has no desire for anything or anyone else. I don't know what to do or how to do it...... I know I love him, I love him very much but is it enough? Not equipped, uncharted territory. Any advice? Anyone else out there dealing with this?

Setbacks

So it's been a while again but not much changes I guess. So now my husband is only eating 1 meal a day and running at least 10 miles in an evening. His logic with only eating once a day is that since he binges through the night, he doesn't need to eat anymore. He has no idea how dangerous things were before but this is even more dangerous. I have been receiving counseling since August 2016 and she said something that really made me look at things....she said " You have a marriage without a husband." I have said that we don't have a marriage, we are 2 people raising kids together. But her words are very thought provoking. It sheds a different perspective on things. She has also asked the question why I stay.......and we have a difference of opinion but I respect what she says and I think on it. So many things that are very thought provoking and give me the reality of both sides. It's been a rough week, started last Friday. All I can do is cry......sob in most cases. I am a mess....just in our house is hard enough but then outside drama and stress really has me a mess. Everything is chaos. Nothing is right. This year I will be smoke free for 5 years....and also 5 years without intimacy. Even through losing my Dad it's been a huge struggle for him to even try to comfort me.....like he wants nothing to do with me. I continually have to ask him. Really wish I could reach others going through these struggles and have someone to talk to and support one another. This dynamic of Male Anorexia, Orthoexia is not one just everyone understands. So I put this post out there hoping to offer something to someone!  Taking it 10 seconds at a time.

So much turmoil

So things are teetering here. As the weight goes up, he keeps saying he is getting fat.....our goal 3-4 years ago was 160. I don't like how the food habits are going again. We were all together for the Christmas break and it was so nice to have him home. Unfortunately his weekend habits of eating 1 meal a day continued for the whole vacation. Just makes me sad that he punishes himself with or without food. The running has been down which I am so proud of.......unlike before where break downs were typical and these day its not a break down and he pushes himself to continue his normal snacks in the evening. Progress is happening but worried about what happens when work schedules go back to normal, the weather gets nicer..........what happens then? My kids struggle too. Our son is having such a hard time, thinking that its his fault for all of this. That him being born has some correlation. 

I wish I could talk to someone who knows.....who has been through to tell me I will be ok and what to do. But it isn't up to someone else its up to me to know. I don't know where that line is. My life is so far from the way it should be and that is my fault......I am sad......and I don't see the light.