Still Here Still Struggling

So not much has changed. No matter what I say or do it never changes. I am doing grief counseling and seeing psychiatrist for depression/anxiety/sleep issues. All the tools I learned 20+ years ago are shot. I am finding that I am resorting back to behaviors of coping from before I got help. I didn't even realize it until recently.  I have asked the same questions for 5+ years....no answer could be given and then this weekend it was puked at me that in essence if the house was super clean this won't be an issue anymore. I was blown away....still choices that are made.....still can't have my whole life hinging on what others do or don't do. I just hate it.......hate the fact that he doesn't hear himself and actually believes he has no fault.......So I did what I always do I started cleaning....and I ended up doing too much and my back went out and I am still paying for it. Sunday we did our running. Went to the post office, Sam's, and Menards. Came home and I ended up cleaning up both cat litters and having to wash one out completely which pulled my back even more. So all I accomplished means nothing if all its going to do is escalate my pain........I just don't know what to do anymore. My life is a mess.....I am a mess.......I feel alone because no one else gets living with this disease.......not even sure I am being heard.

Been Awhile....Anorexia

It has been quite a while since I have posted. We are still struggling through this disease. The affects on our lives is quite a roller coaster. First and foremost we have had positive head way and I am grateful and proud. I lost my father to Alzheimer's Feb 19 of this year. I was always very close to him and always knew his love for me. I am not the daughter or sister people wanted but I knew no matter what I was the daughter my Daddy wanted. He could look in my eyes and know whether something was right or wrong. I could tell him anything and he would support me. Even at 41 years old I could crawl on his lap and cry. I feel so lost, not sure how to live in a world without him but I have to. So in the last 5+ years I have watched 2 of the most important men in my life deteriorate. Not long after losing my Dad I talked with my husband telling him I would not watch the man I love kill himself. I can't watch another person die. My love for him is so great and I know that even if tomorrow we separated it wouldn't change how I feel or the affect his disease has. I have asked questions for years that have no answers but they need answers. As a highly emotional person it is very hard for me to be logical and approach things calmly, but I know that if I become emotional the wall goes up. I am of the belief that IF he doesn't feel what he is doing is bad then he needs to tell me that so that I can decide how I want to handle things. I am so proud of what he has accomplished and his ability to do half marathons. I have had to separate his running from his disorder. He just ran the Summerfest Rock and Sole and did well. But after running 13.7 miles he ran again that evening over 9 miles and his food intake was 1 full meal and a power bar. 

Our marriage is broken.....he has grabbed me, he has thrown things at me, and hurt me. Our children, especially our son have been affected deeply. They come to me asking questions and I try my best to answer but I don't have them. I am almost 42 years old and not ready to give up the things that have been denied, especially intimacy. We don't have any......I am afraid to touch him. I have no one to talk to about this because I do NOT know anyone who is going thru this. I wish I could find someone to talk to. Someone who can understand truly. People try to but they can't. I don't wish this on people but truly wish someone out there going thru this would see my posts and contact me. As I have stated before there is limited info out there on Men with eating disorders....even talking to a spouse going thru this...husband or wife.....to know I am not alone. I am thankful for Barbara Kent Lawrence's books because she is one of the few people out there to write and talk about being a wife in this situation.

So that is it....not much else to say......thank you for reading this.

Awhile

So its been a while since I have posted anything up here.  Since my last post things have gotten uglier and are now hopefully on the up swing of better. I lost hope a long time ago that this would be better so I am afraid to say it out loud........can't be disappointed again. Hubby is injured again. Same injury he had last time in his foot and soft tissue. He saw the doctor who ordered therapy so we see what the therapist recommends once he is there.  He has been skipping his runs here and there, handling them MUCH better than he used to. He is taking rest days but of course he counts everything he puts in his mouth and when he sees he is over 500 calories for the day makes statements like " I am getting fat" or "I am so fat and lazy". But he contines to put in his evening snacks and that again is a good thing. Not long ago when he couldn't run it would be pure hell here. We all paid for his inability to run. With it being winter in WI running outside is not always a possibility so we have to utilize the gym which puts him out of our home for over 2 hrs.....he leaves before the kids get home from school and by the time we do what we need to he sees them for maybe 30-60 minutes. In the evening after workouts and eating he has clarity.....he knows what he is doing is WRONG and that he needs to change but its like a reset come morning.......its so frustrating........

We are 18+ months without any intimacy and this is probably the worst for me..........I feel ugly,fat, and worthless.....I won't let him walk in the room when I am changing anymore or to see me without something covering me.....we are married, we can't have children anymore, and I had a hysterectomy so there is NOTHING on my end to stop us from whenever...our children are 17, 15, and 12. We had more intimacy all over the house when they were younger.....now he keeps saying its because of all the noise at night from our older ones walking around. But I know why except it doesn't mean I don't feel like crap about myself.  I didn't get married to not have sex. I am 39 yrs old and this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.....but I love him and have made the concessions whether I want to admit that to myself or not. I can't talk to anyone about this....friends try to understand but can't. Family is too wrapped up in themselves to offer anything but looks of pity. So me and the kids are support for one another....UGH it kills me that the kids are dealing with this.......I wanted so much to keep them out of it, but they live here, and they KNOW. I stopped fighting about it so they didn't have to deal with the upset but trust me its come back at me in so many ways.

I have NEVER been afraid of my husband.  I was afraid of most other men in my life and was in an abusive relationship years ago. My husband was always kind and even when we fought I never worried about him putting his hands on me or throwing things at/toward me. I have had things land my direction since this all started. I have always said if you are going to throw something at me be prepared for it to come back at you and harder, but we have kids here and I won't show that example.  But that changed too.....and my kids saw it. I was trying to help with our son, he has aspergers and SPD, hubby took this as me trying to take over and  he came back at me pushing me thru the dining room until I was up against our cabinets....he had my arms. Our oldest tried to intervene but I was so scared he would go at her I kept going to keep his attention. He spend an hour JUSTIFYING his behavior saying that NO ONE ever defends him.......but NO ONE ever put their hands on him. I know its NOT him but now I am afraid every time he gets upset or starts banging and yelling. Of course after he ran and whatnot he had his clarity he was apologetic and whatnot but the damage had been done. He has not come near me in anger AGAIN and I walk away before things get too heated. We both try to talk to one another.....

I know he is in there.....I know I love him but this is hard.....no support. I would love to find others in this situation to talk to. I don't hear about wives with husbands who are Anorexic and have orthoexia. Hoping someone will find this blog and contact me! Really need someone who understand.

Can this be done?

It has been a while since I have posted and I am not sure why. I think its a combination of many things including avoidance.  We have a diagnosis of Malnutrition. WBC and RBC are in the toliet, Vitamin D levels in severely deficient area, and muscle injuries. Also got the spend out thousands of dollars on Bone Scan and Bone Density Scans. They showed normal so that is good but to spend all that money because of something that he is doing to himself just adds insult to injury.  So we are taking vitamin D, Calcium, and Zinc. We are going to PT 2-3 times a week. 

Some days are great, he comes home right after work to have dinner with us, he helps parent, and is present. Just about the time I started to believe this was going to be everyday and I didn't have to ask everyday he changes things again. So back to not knowing what is happening next.  I hate the person I am becoming.....I feel like all I do is B**CH about things, I am depressed, and as an added bonus I have started having panic attacks.  I lived most of my life in a state of panic but swore that as an adult I wouldn't. I spent a lot of time in therapy working on this and now in the last few months that has gone right out the door.  I told my husband that I won't have them in front of our children, that is NO way for a child to live, watching their parent lose it, I know that existence and I don't want it for them. They see enough.  I tell him what I need, and he compulsion to work out/exercise beats me every time. His running/exercise wins out ahead of everything and everyone.  NOTHING stops him from it. 

We take 3 steps forward, 5 steps back on a pretty consistant basis and I am not sure how much longer I can live like this. I want to leave, well maybe runaway from this. I am weak, I know I am. My children deserve to have a mother who is strong enough to do what is right for them, but they are stuck with me. Sunday we had a nasty exchange of words and I am heart broken. The things he says and does scare me and cause me such pain.  Everytime something happens the apology comes and it is to a point that the apology means nothing because Sorry means you aren't going to do it again. 

I resent having to explain to my children he isn't coming home, why he doesn't eat, why he is angry, ect.  The anorexia is still controling our lives and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. No matter how much I pray and beg, the anorexia/orthorexia wins and controls our lives. Not just his but all of ours.

Can this get better? Can I stay in this long enough to see him well? Can life ever be back to normal? I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be #1.

Love Never Promised Tomorrow

I am a HUGE fan of the tv show Nashville and that is a line from the song Casino. I love the music from this show so much! I have almost all of it on my Ipod!  But that line really struck home especially given our situation.

There seems to be progress being made in our journey by all involved.  My husband is eating different foods and having a desire for food outside of his safe foods.  He is running the same but he is putting food in. Friday night we went to Sam's Club to shop, by the time we were done I was hungry so I asked him if he would share a pretzel with me. He said "I won't eat half of it or anything but I will have a little piece or 2." Cool! So I got me a pretzel.....so we ate it on the way home and he ate about half of it! I was so happy to see it! We used to enjoy those things together. Also when I get Cousin's subs with their awesome Broccoli Cheese soup he will have a couple spoonfuls and its great. He always says "sorry I am eating your food" and I always say if I didn't want to share I would tell you NO and let me tell ya I would. LOL

In regards to progress we had another family movie night with all of us and He and I sat together on the couch to watch with our kids. We have a deal that there is no electronics, books, ect to detract from our time. We watched Shrek and it was such a great sound to hear us all laugh.  We are planning on watching the whole series of Shrek. We watched the Men in Black series last week! My husband and I are trying to spend more time together on the couch or in our bed at night next to one another, cuddling......so I had stopped going to church as a family because of many things but Sunday I decided I would go with for my husband and trying on my side to do something he does. I can't run and I can honestly say even if I could, I was never one who enjoyed running anymore than absolutely necessary in life. Me not going with has always been a point of contention for us and it felt good to go with him and be there as a family. Our oldest stayed home but our younger two went and it was a nice feeling. After we got home our middle daughter told me she really liked me being there.....so we will have to see............

I believe there was only one day he went straight to the gym and it was nice.  He ate dinner with us and it was nice to have help with parenting and the house stuff.....

So here it is.........praying that the progress continues, starting to see the light at the end, now just hoping it doesn't burn out.

Do you love me?

A question I ask pretty frequently, even before "Steve" showed up. My husband has always had something as an addiction......when we met we were both smokers........he quit almost 8 yrs ago.....after that he made the slow journey to being an alcoholic, during this time the running was starting to increase and become consistent.  After we got a handle on the drinking the running/exercise/Anorexia came on the scene.  It was a slow progression and well not one I really kept an eye on because he knew what he was doing.......he was always talking about healthy eating and portion control......then all of a sudden certain foods I made he would no longer eat stating he never really liked eating them......then his tongue started to have issues so then we couldn't other foods because they burned his tongue........but when I started to see it and bring it up it was a huge fight.....I was wrong and that was it.......I decided it wasn't fair for our kids to live like that with the fighting.........and eventually I just stopped fighting.........When my parents went through their rough patch my Dad said something that I never understood until recently..." Beth, I stopped fighting with your mom. I decided it wasn't worth the fight anymore." I found that incredibly sad and said I can't imagine that, everyone argues, its part of life.......and then it hit me with my husband........I have no fight left in me.  I still feel that way......

My husband is keeping a blog of sorts for his views of "Steve" and he has shared it with me, so I check on it every so often......I get upset usually when I read it because the things he says truly hurts me and makes me feel like what I am trying to do to help means nothing..........today's entry says: "Everyone tells me they love me, that they care about what is happening.  I don't know what the truth is about any of this." This just kills me......I tell him all the time I love him, show him I love him and he NEVER believes it. I know a lot of this stems with childhood and never feeling worthy of love but in the 19 yrs we have been together I have never walked away no matter what........It breaks me to read this kind of statement when I know I am showing love the best way I can.......I am STILL here.  I have apologized to my children many times since November that I am not strong enough to do what is probably best for them. The thing is I don't feel walking out on 19 yrs of love is the answer, we need each other.....they need their Dad and I need my husband.......Just don't know When Love just isn't enough.  One of my oldest and dearest friends is 44 yrs old and her husband 38 yrs old.....have a 12 yr old. My friend woke up one morning and her healthy, 38 yr old husband had died in his sleep.....no warning, nothing...........it truly put things in perspective that it can happen to anyone......my heart breaks for her, this was the love of her life......they were perfect for each other.  I am scared everyday I will wake up and my husband won't be breathing.....I wake up 2-3 times a night to make sure.......this was before my friend lost her husband, now its at the forefront of my mind. How do you get through that?  Her husband wasn't doing anything to make himself sick or unhealthy........my husband is playing with fire. Playing with his life and I am thankful everyday that we still have him. 

I don't really know how to break through this and help him. Its so different from the male perspective. There is a dynamic there that I can't understand but I pray to be able to. I wish I had the magic words or the instructions on how to make this better but I don't. 

In the spirit of transparency on my part, I have not shared this blog with anyone including my husband. I am not hiding it but I am not advertising it to others right now........ 

Selfishness and Avoiding

Selfishness seems to be an epidemic in our household.....we had always contended with it with our children in some way, shape, or form but my husband and I truly tried to be examples of selflessness. We also tried to up front and deal with issues head on, not avoid them or let them go. As we live in this world of Anorexia/Orthorexia ,selfishness and avoidance have become the norm for ALL of us, myself included.  I am always becoming an expert as avoiding issues and important things that need my attention because I am so emotionally drained from all the things going on around us. Its not right but hey, here we are. 

As I sit here and type I am disappointed in myself that I have succumbed to the selfishness and avoidance around me........that I am not being a better example for my children and my husband. I know that prior to this we all had things we were selfish about but it is truly an epidemic in our daily life.  Its almost like if I don't think about me and my needs, no one else will.  So much of our lives has had to center around my husband's exercise/running schedule and work.  With 24 hours in a day you would think there would be time to do so many things but with the schedule we HAVE to keep its ugly.........we eat dinner around 3pm, he leaves to run between 4 and 5 pm, comes back 1.5 hours later and then we go to the store or the gas station or where ever we need to.  We come home and then its time for him to eat his snack and get on the computer. Also time for our children to start winding down, getting ready for bed.  On a Saturday, sleep in until 9 or so......eat around 11am....head out to shop BY 1:30pm so that we again are home for 2pm-3pm dinner time, and then running time again...........our time to be together or do other things gets smaller and smaller.  We actually had a movie night last Sunday. For the first time in a VERY LONG time we sat down as a family and watched Hotel Transylvania. Awesome movie........my husband and I sat on the couch together rather than he on the computer, me with my nose in a book, and held hands and sat together.....such a good feeling.....the kids were sprawled out all over the living room and it was a good night........our 11 year old son wants to do it again this weekend and we are planning on it. 

Its these activities that give me hope........they give me that glimpse of the man I married, the man I know that is in there.  Our baby steps of progress are wonderful, its just hard to be patient with some things and I have to deal with that.........I have to give him space to do better, make better choices, be a better person rather than constantly point out the faults and failures.......I hate that I do it, I say things or type an email and then after I "calm" down I have no idea why I let the emotions take me...at the time it was soooo important but later, its not......I go over it in my head how I could have been more positive, more supportive, less selfish, less self absorbed. I have no idea how we are going to cure the epidemic in our home but I pray that it will happen. I want nothing more that to keep our family intact and come out the other side of this a happier, stronger family.